“Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.”
- J.R.R Tolkien
One quiet night I lay dreaming of a dream that was so strange and it felt more vivid than the reality itself. The dream carried me to a space where time stood still against the tick of silenced clocks and I lived probably a million moments like the pages of a book wavering over one another, like a book that is both interesting and dull yet you don’t want to leave it halfway because you know that the end will give you the tranquility you are craving for. I saw love and I saw hate, I saw trust and I saw betrayal, I saw lies and I saw truth, I felt wise and I felt stupid, I witnessed a dance of peace and horror; it was something so inclining that it made me laugh and cry as if some secret spell of insanity had broken free within me. But it was not always the case, not always thousands of colorful emotions rained there. Well sometimes it was black and I could feel nothing, literally nothing. The emptiness would crawl deep inside my heart and sleep there like some uninvited guest but I wasn’t scared or sickened because I felt nothing. These moments of emptiness were the worst because there was no way to describe them, no way for my mind to sketch them because they gave me nothing just like their essence itself, nothing to feel or see or imagine or dream. Then they would just leave with a lesson of what death would be like, this black page of my grotesque dream made me realize that no-matter how vile and hideous the ugly emotions can get, no-matter how burning the anger can be or how crippling the sorrow can get; they are still better, these darker emotions are still lighter, no matter how tiny bit but they are lighter than the pitch absolute black. Our feelings are the silver lining between life and death, the space and the black void.
Now I don’t usually incline my pen towards motivating stuffs and cheesy “there is hope, faith, blah bleh” stuffs for I tend to dwell in reality or to be more precise I like to live amidst multiple perceptions. Reality, after all it is a sum of perceptions that has been accepted as truth my so called majority. This essay, on the other hand is an experience of a sort and I’m planning to write a series about all and everything I’ve witnessed throughout last year, the hallowed year that changed my soul, my mind, my heart into something different in a way that can’t be expressed in just one blog. Something amazing that I can feel it running through my veins that stillness and I can feel the chaos drumming in my heart in its own sweet melody. A moment indifference struck me like never before, it proffered me with a wonder that how small yet amazing and profound our emotions are. We are riding a sail of emotions, in the ocean of emotions against the tide of emotions and searching for a prodigal beautiful island of emotions to seek shelter or refuge from the storm of emotions and to quench the thirst for emotions. Ah! How beautiful this chain is, here each ‘emotion’ word might spell the same but each of them carries different and diverse meanings. Now without these emotions bitter or sweet, aren’t we just a ragged rotting carcass holding a futile consciousness and drifting along the flow of nothingness until eventually getting devoured by the nothingness itself. This essay I’m sharing here is an abstract to the dream I live everyday from that quiet night. Yes I’m governed by the greyest of these emotions time after time and I commit some stupidest mistakes, but as I said it’s still better, better than nothing. After all we are all evolving and with us, our emotional intelligence is also evolving and every one of these times if we look back to those stupid mistakes we committed, we are going to find another small emotion that flickered there among the darker ones and guided our path towards today.
(I have exams going on so I won’t be able to share much but I’m hoping to continue this as a series of essays. I’ll be sharing all psychological experiences both mine and of other people I perceived over past year. I just love the idea of sharing my writing because it gives me a purpose and I hope I’ll get to hear one of yours stories as well. Good time ahead all and see you soon, Amor fati.)